Holiday Air Travel Tips

A Curmudgeon's Guide for the Clueless

This is a special edition of The Conservative Wahoo in which I dispense with some much needed wisdom for holiday travelers. Because you are a regular reader, you are certainly not clueless enough to need this wisdom, but surely there are people in your life who do. Feel free to pass it along to them, and perhaps one by one, we can turn the American air traveler into something to be proud of and increase the efficiency of our air transport system in the process.

My bona-fides you ask? Well, I am certainly no “Global Services” or “1K” flier, but I do get to board in United Group 1 on the basis of my miles count. Keep in mind though, United Group 1 is actually United Group 6, as prior to the first boarding group boarding there are a number of “pre-boarding” categories, including the aforementioned “Global Services” and “1K” members, in addition to families traveling with small children, active duty military, and others needing “a little help”.

Standing there in Group 1, I sometimes envy the “Global Services” and “1K” members who board before me, but then I remember that 100K miles a year is a lot more time on airplanes than I currently spend, so I just grumble as they board, damning the meaning of being in the “first” boarding group.

One note of caution: these bits of wisdom pre-suppose that the traveler has had time to prepare themself/be where they are supposed to be. This is not always the case, as airline delays and connecting flights do pressurize things sometimes.

Now, onto my carefully curated wisdom presented in no particular order.

• The person in the middle seat has dibs on both arm rests. Not exclusive use, but positional preference. If you are a middle seat person and you are exercising dominion over said armrests, be advised that your elbows must not overshoot the armrests into the aisle/window seat occupant’s zone of control. This is especially important when using a laptop.

• Plus-sized people should go out of their way to plan trips early enough to ensure that they do not get a middle seat.

• The window seat exercises plenary control of the window shade.

• Plus-sized people should—whenever possible, pick the window seat. This is because of the bit of extra room on the outboard side that they can and should lean into.

• I own the space under your seat. You own the space in front of me into which your reclined seat travels. This is the social contract.

• Do not use the seat in front of you as an anchor to pull yourself up with. Ever. If you are physically incapable of exiting your seat without doing so, be careful not to snap-launch the occupant forward when you let go.

• If you are incapable of putting it in the overhead yourself, it is not a carry-on, and it should be checked.

• One carry-on per person in the overhead compartment. I wish airlines would get militant about this, with flight attendants doggedly supervising. I generally board pretty early, and I get to watch Mr-I-Am-So-Important-and-so-I-get-to-put-my-suitcase-briefcase-and-topcoat in the overhead with nothing occupying the space under the seat in front of him, while the poor slob in boarding group 4 winds up having to make the walk of shame from the back of the plane with his bag to get gate checked due to no space left.

• Speaking of carryon bags—do you know who the greatest violators of carry-on policies are? Air crew. Watch as you walk around airports, and rare indeed is the air crew person who does not have AT LEAST three bags with them.

• I love babies. Mostly. And kids. Sort of. I have great sympathy for parents of crying babies—not to be helped. But if your little sporto wants to kick the back of my seat—we’re gonna have a moment. Oh—and whatever screen you have selected to entertain your future Einstein—it must be equipped with headphones, which must be used.

• Spend five minutes in the boarding area arranging your personal items so that when you board, you do not have to get up and access the overhead compartment. The “personal item” that you place under the seat in front of you is the perfect place to stow these items.

• People in bulkhead rows should move mountains to board with their boarding group. You KNOW you aren’t going to have room under the seat in front of you, and because the slobs behind you put two or three things in the overhead bin, you’re gonna do the walk aft to find room dance if you are late getting to your seat.

• Let’s talk about security screening, shall we? Many people choose to travel stylishly, and I am all for it. But if your choice includes numerous items of flair (bangles, rings, necklaces, etc), put them into your personal bag and put them on your person AFTER you have cleared security.

• On escalators and moving walkways, stand right, walk left. When walking through the airport, realize that for travelers, the airport is NOT a destination, it is a waypoint. Move with alacrity and awareness. There is no “strolling” in airports. It is known.

• Your legs should be positioned as to ensure that they remain inside the boundary between our two seats. No man/woman spreading into my zone of control.

• Bare feet are unacceptable.

• If you are in a bulkhead seat, putting your feet up on the bulkhead is unacceptable.

• If you are in a bulkhead seat, putting your bare feet up on the bulkhead is criminal.

• As you board the plane, remove your backpack and carry it in front of you. This allows the person sitting in the aisle seat to be free from facial assault when you get to your row and decide to pivot left or right, forgetting about the extra foot of space you are now occupying with your strapped on backpack.

• If you are traveling on Southwest go to the general area where your boarding position is. Don’t ask the people around you what their numbers are—make the assumption that you’re all generally in the right place.

• Let’s talk about dogs. How about leaving your dog home or kenneling your dog. Service dogs—legitimate service dogs—are an exception. The Paris Hilton thing has gotten out of hand.

• And finally—I realize I may be in the minority here—guitars/banjos/cellos etc. are not carry-ons. Oh, I realize that Big Music has cowed the airlines into folding on this one, but a traveling lumberjack cannot put his large chainsaw in the overhead. So why Top-Not Lothario gets to take up excessive overhead room with his six-string boggles my mind.

This list is hardly all-inclusive, but if it is meticulously followed, the ass-pain of air travel would be considerably less for all of us, ass-pain that is intensified at this time of year.

Happy Thanksgiving.