Earlier today on one of two errand runs, I posted “Salvo 1” of this year’s Christmas card, having spent a portion of my Friday preparing them for mailing. There have been changes to the process that demand explanation, and in the process, the general subject deserves consideration.
The sending of Christmas cards is something I have long associated with adulthood, and I have childhood memories in which I longed to grow up and do so. Even then, I was in a hurry. I have—for most of my adult life—maintained the practice, failing only during years that I was at sea. At some point, I am not sure when, I decided that my card would always feature a cow in some prominent manner, as I have always believed cows to be noble beasts, and there was generally a fair number of bovine cards available. As the years passed, the selection declined, probably due to the death of the Dean of the Cow Christmas card (Lowell Herrero) in 2015.
The occasion of preparing this year’s batch caused reflection, enough to warrant both a discussion with Catherine and this essay. I’ve always wondered whether the juice was worth the squeeze; is the effort required doing anything worthwhile for either the sender or the receiver, especially given the ubiquity and instantaneity of modern communications and social media? This year, I’ve arrived at a tentative answer, and that is…no. I’m not prepared to say that it is time to end the practice, but I took a hard, hard look at my Christmas card address spreadsheet this year, the one with a column added last year indicating whether I had received one from that person. It turns out that fewer than half of those receiving cards from me sent them to me. Which got me thinking.
Why?
Why do I send Christmas cards in the first place? There are several reasons. First, there is that little boy who grew up believing that sending cards was just something adults do. Second, there is the fact that every now and then, someone mentions something to me about the cow card, or the update letter that I sometimes include, that makes me think that they might actually get some enjoyment out of the effort. Third, there are a number of people on the list who I haven’t seen or talked to in DECADES, and Christmas cards represent the primary means of communication between us. I exchange cards with my second Commanding Officer in the Navy, a guy I THINK I last saw when I got bonged off the ship in June of 1990. His annual Christmas letters are multi-page epics of comedy and homespun philosophy, and I reckon everyone else on my list would be culled before I failed on my end of this bargain. Fourth, there are the the people who got on the list at some point and because they were on the list I continue to send cards.
The combination of these four reasons seems enough to keep the practice going. The question is, how extensive should it be?
To Whom?
This one’s a little tougher.
As I perused the 2022 card list, the following general categories suggest themselves.
First, there’s the “even if I didn’t send cards, these people would still get a card”. This is restricted to my parents and family members in good standing.
Next, there are the closest of friends. In the Navy, these are “shipmates”. In real life, they are best friends.
Third, there are friends who may not be in category 2, but who have been consistent card exchangers over a number of years.
Fourth, are others for whom the nature of our friendship or acquaintance for some reason or another seems to suggest sending a card. There’s one dude on my list who I’ve maybe had two or three conversations with in my life, but we have a reasonably active social media exchange, and he is a damn interesting guy,
Fifth, there are second or third electron ring friends who I send cards to and receive cards from but that’s the extent of our relationship.
As I looked across the 2022 list, I realized that I had made a column for whether I received a card from this person. It was about half and half. I made a decision to cull this list, and reciprocity the chief factor.
I made no changes to category 1.
Category 2 was easy. Because they are good friends, I see and talk to them all the time. Therefore, the card is not an essential part of the relationship. So, if they didn’t send me one last year, they are removed. There will be no hard feelings, only the realization that they just don’t “do” cards.
Category 3. As the summary suggests, this group shows up, at least at Christmas time. No cuts here.
Category 4. No cuts here either. I LIKE getting cards from these people, and I don’t want to contribute to my own culling.
Category 5. If I did not receive a card, removed from the list.
This would all be straightforward if not for the temporal aspect of things. What if someone didn’t send me a card last year and got culled, but received mine, and then added me to their list for this year? I am prepared for this eventuality, because although I am sending half as many cards as last year, I have extras for counter-battery/quick response mailings.
As I wrote earlier, I’ve discussed this with Catherine, and we rang a couple who are close friends to run our logic by them. I don’t want to put words in her mouth, but Catherine (who hasn’t sent cards and a few years…ahem) and I generally agreed on things except for my treatment of Category 2. She (again, who hasn’t sent cards in a couple of years) could not understand how I could cut off close friends, that they should get cards because of my esteem for them. I countered that as I was culling only those who did not send ME a card, no group is more worthy of my consideration in not creating a duty cycle between us, and that because I see and socialize so often with these people, they are not going to miss the card.
Of course, the REAL test of things would be to simply not send Christmas cards next year, and see how I sit with it. Both Catherine and our consultative friends suggested this. I am considering it, and I’ll keep you informed.
Lol....
Merry Christmas, Bryan.
... 'tis not the season for cost-benefit analysis...
Christmas is about giving without expectation of return...only the joy received.
If 1 in 50 of the cards I send without reciprication makes the season...its worth the low lift.
As a J.O. at sea, every year I always recieved 1 or 2 from people for whom I would fall in your 4th or 5th category --that made me stop and really recognize I was appreciated... even if I wasnt as great at sending cards to others.
...take off the ESTJ SWO, wanna be Director of CAPE hat and put on your Santa hat for Christmas cards.
Pay it Forward