On Updating a Will

Welcome to the nearly 200 new subscribers joined after my recent appearance on Ward Carroll’s YouTube Channel. I try and have a little something for you in your email at 0500 on Monday mornings, which often involves writing on the Saturday and Sunday before. This week, I had a wonderful visit from my brother Patrick and his bride Stephanie over the weekend, so I really didn’t think too much about writing. Also, the news of the weekend took some of the wind out of my sails for pithy commentary. Rested and ready, I’ll probably wind up only being a few hours late in getting this up on the site.

To the new subscribers, a little background. I’m a dyed in the wool Reagan Conservative. Individual liberty, free markets, law and order, and American strength comprise my approach to conservatism, and the keen-eyed among you will note the degree to which each of those virtues is under attack from the nationalist/populist impulse masquerading as conservatism. I am an OG Anti-Trumper and I don’t see that changing. I’d ask that you keep it civil in the comment section, which I will occasionally join as the spirit moves me. I promise you that something I write will disappoint you, sooner rather than later.

As Father Time continues his undefeated streak, having and updating a Last Will and Testament strikes me as a reasonable expenditure of effort, and this weekend’s visit by my brother and his bride provided ready-made witnesses to my most recent update. I had a few matters to attend to (new executor, new bequests, etc.) in this version, and it is now signed and in force, providing an opportunity to ponder my mortality.

There are two things in life that I do not believe a person can accurately assess their reactions to in advance. The first is combat. Anyone who has worn his nation’s cloth likes to THINK that when the moment comes and someone starts to shoot at you, the superhero will emerge and steady bravery will be the order of the day. We train and train and train to try and simulate the conditions of being shot at in order to familiarize a person with what that MIGHT feel like when the time comes. The problem is always knowing that in fact, you are NOT being shot at. I spent a lot of time on active duty thinking about this, and I’ve read enough stories of those who rise quite unexpectedly to the occasion, and those who simply cannot meet the moment, for me to think that I KNOW how I would have reacted in this situation.

The other thing that we simply cannot know until we are faced with it is how we will react to our own impending death. My father’s death earlier this year quite naturally had me thinking about this, but to be honest, I cover this ground in my head pretty routinely. Mostly, I find myself ridiculously grateful for the life I’ve lived and the blessings I have, and I always come back to the same statement—”I’ve had a good run”. By this I mean, in the world in which I am a relatively healthy 59-year old man, if I were to receive news that my life would end in 24 hours, or six months, or a year—I have this IMAGE of myself meeting death with equanimity. By what RIGHT would I have to “rage against the dying of the light”, considering how much of it I’ve soaked up? This is of course, an heroic self-image and entirely unfalsifiable. Which is its obvious weakness. I cannot for a second rightly conjure my reaction to the knowledge of my end. Instead, I speculate that like combat, I’d rise to the occasion. Except I’ve never faced either.

So I do what I can. I update a will. I make an annual video to myself (and forward it to my family) in which I pretty forcefully state my “sound mind and body” preferences for what I desire upon becoming unsound. I manage my finances in a way that provides for decline.

But I don’t have a clue how I will react at the end.

I CAN quit you, American Express

According to the latest version of my American Express card, I have been a member since 1988. One year into my adult working life, I got an American Express card, mostly because my Dad had one and I equated being a grown-ass man with having one. I also liked that it greatly encouraged paying the balance each month, as 23 year old Bryan had the best of intentions that older Bryan utterly ignored and for which even older Bryan eventually had to pay the piper.

I am nothing if not loyal, and brand loyalty (United, Marriott, etc.) means something to me. That the AMEX card carried an annual fee was a cost of doing business, the kind of costs that a grown-ass man pays. That I did not have to inform American Express that I was going on international travel was something I valued highly, as the (well-intentioned, useful) fraud services of my Visa card providers really bothered me. I fancied myself as a man of the world, and the American Express commercials reinforced this image of universal acceptance and ease.

But it really was never so.

Don’t get me wrong—I used the card around the world. But every now and then, you’d get a vendor (seemingly more in the US than internationally) who simply didn’t take it. I always took this personally. How DARE you not take this card that so very much validates my vision of myself! This vision was carefully fertilized by American Express by moving me steadily through the family of cards offered, from the blue/green entry level, through the Gold Card (man, did I think I was SOMEONE!), to the Platinum Card, where I was until a week ago. I’ll never forget receiving my first Platinum Card—it FELT different than the previous cards. I think it is made of metal, rather than plastic. It was cold and metallic at least. MAN did they know the fish on the end of their line.

But I’m older and reportedly wiser than I was in 1988, and my recent trip to Europe provided me with the impetus to finally make the break. The plain truth is that I found myself annoyed at the number of places that took cards—but not American Express—and I began to think hard about what this self-image enhancement was costing me. Yes, I had this fabulous concierge service that was available to me, but I never used it, mostly because I would rather use my Visa card that gets me United Miles. The card was going to cost me $695 just to have (September billing), and that was it. I decided it was no longer worth it.

So I called to close the account. I had a wonderful customer service interaction with a fine fellow who manfully protected AMEX interests by laying out for me the well-in-excess of $695 worth of benefits that I was eligible for, most of which I was vaguely aware of (Uber!) but again, features I ignored. The bottom line was that I could no longer justify paying $695 a year for a piece of wallet-status that seemed to be turned down at more places in Germany, Hungary, Slovenia (or was it Slovakia?), Austria and the Czech Republic than it was accepted.

And so after 36 years of faithfully and loyally carrying and sometimes using American Express products, the relationship is over. While I have been a little wistful, thinking about all the good times we had together, I realize my life is better without it.